The Friendship Boundaries I’m Finally Setting in My 30s

Friendship has always been a rough topic for me. As someone who was bullied all throughout school, I spent a lot of time wondering whether people wanted to be my friend, and I rarely stopped to ask myself whether I wanted them to be mine.

I was the girl who was thrilled when someone wanted to be my friend. Now I’m the woman who consistently makes the effort to stay in touch… and I’m starting to really notice just how much it doesn’t go both ways.

Before you come for me, please know that this isn’t a post complaining about receiving responses from people hours, days, or even weeks later. I get it, I know we are all busy. This is more about effort than it is timing.

It is only now, in my 30s, that I’ve started to realize where I stand with friendship; what I deem to be acceptable and what I value most in the people I surround myself with. Regardless of the lessons I learned in my 20’s or the people I cast aside to avoid constant drama, never before did I realize just how important it is to know what you’re looking for in a good friend. I also never really noticed just how many excuses I’d give someone before deciding to back off or walk away, or how many times I told myself it was my fault that they weren’t willing to make more of an effort.

I’m not auditioning for friendships anymore, so I thought I’d share with you a list of personal boundaries I’ve created for myself. Each of these was carefully selected based on the relationships that mean the most to me, and the personal pain I’ve been through in terms of friendship. Not only do I hope that these inspire you to create your own, but ultimately result in you finding the best friendships you’ve ever had.

1. No more chasing friendships the other person isn’t actively participating in.
I can initiate, make plans, check in, but if I’m consistently the only person doing it, I’m no longer going to carry that relationship by myself.

2. Match effort instead of trying to force closeness.
I won’t be petty, but I’m simply done pouring more into a relationship and trying to turn it into what I wish it was… instead of what it just is.

3. Pay attention to patterns, not excuses.
Everyone gets busy, everyone forgets, everyone drops the ball occasionally. But eventually, repeated behavior becomes information.

4. No more assuming someone’s distance means that I did something wrong.
I don’t need to mentally investigate every unanswered text message, declined invitation, or change in tone.

5. Ask instead of trying to read someone’s mind.
If something genuinely feels wrong, I can ask. I don’t need to invent thirteen possible explanations and punish myself with all of them.

6. No more begging for clarity when someone is committed to feeding me confusion.
If I’ve asked, communicated, or tried to repair something and the other person refuses to respond, I will accept that as information too.

7. No more confusing history with intimacy.
Knowing someone for 10, 20, or 30 years doesn’t automatically mean we still have a close relationship.

8. No more keeping someone close just because they’re family.
Family relationships can have different obligations and complexities, but blood doesn’t automatically mean you get unlimited access to me.

9. No more accepting cruelty simply because someone is upset with me.
Conflict does not give someone permission to insult, belittle, humiliate, threaten, manipulate, or punish me.

10. No more trying to convince someone that my “no” isn’t reasonable.
I can explain when I want to, but I don’t have to convince someone that my boundary is reasonable in order to be allowed to have it.

11. My boundary isn’t wrong simply because someone is disappointed by it.
Sometimes people are upset because a relationship has changed. Sometimes they’re upset because they benefited from me having no boundary at all.

12. No more shrinking myself to make a relationship easier.
I shouldn’t have to become quieter, less ambitious, less opinionated, less emotional, less successful, or less myself to remain lovable.

13. It’s okay for relationships to change categories.
Someone can go from best friend to friend, from friend to acquaintance, and from close family member to someone I love from farther away.

14. I don’t need a dramatic reason to create distance.
Someone doesn’t have to betray me before I’m allowed to recognize that a relationship isn’t good for me.

15. No more using generosity as a tactic for earning love.
I don’t need to be endlessly available, incredibly thoughtful, or constantly helpful just so that someone will choose me.

16. It’s okay if someone doesn’t like me.
Not every person I meet is going to like me, understand me, or want a close relationship with me. That doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong.

17. No more staying silent to preserve a friendship.
If keeping someone requires me to swallow every hurt, disagreement, need, or boundary, I’m not actually being accepted.

18. One person will not meet every need that I have.
There are deep conversation friends, old friends, friends for going on crazy adventures, and family members I enjoy in specific doses. Not every relationship has to be everything.

19. My worth is not measured by how many people choose me.
Someone not wanting a close relationship with me is not proof that I am unworthy of friendship.

20. I get to choose people too.
Friendship isn’t just about being grateful somebody picked you. You get to decide whether you pick them.

These boundaries don’t mean I’ll be ditching you the second you disappoint me, or that I’ll be angry because you didn’t respond to a text message I sent you three weeks ago. Life happens, and I get that. The standard isn’t constant attention, but mutual respect, honesty, and ultimately some evidence that we both value the relationship.

I think this is what people mean when they tell you to be the leading lady in your life. Gone are the days where I am standing outside of the circle, eagerly waiting for someone to pick me. Now I get to decide who belongs in mine.

See you,
Amy

*This post is dedicated to the few truly amazing friends that I have who helped me get through these rough last few years in so many ways – especially the amazing woman featured in this post photo. You know who you are. THANK YOU!*