How To Turn “Why Me?” Into Personal Growth

The past several months, I’ve been on a mission to improve my life in so many ways. If you’d asked me in January what I wanted this year to look like, I would have said, “A revival.”

I was done playing it safe; done sitting around waiting for life to happen to me.

I’d spent a solid year feeling really low, acting as though I’d been forced into a reality I didn’t want and certainly didn’t plan for. Then, in January, I woke up one day and thought, “This isn’t me. I can do better.”

Change didn’t come overnight, and I’m certainly not all the way to where I want to be, but the small things stack together. I’ve advocated for my health, pursued a healthier lifestyle, challenged old beliefs, and accomplished goals across so many different areas of my life. And somewhere along the way, I started looking backward, too.

I started thinking about the things that had “happened to me.” The disappointments, the failures, the relationships, the rejection, and the decisions I wish I’d made differently… The seasons of my life I would have happily erased if someone had handed me a pencil.

And I started following the dominoes: Because that happened, I did this. Because I did this, I met them. Because I met them, I discovered this. Because I discovered this, I eventually ended up here.

Suddenly, some of the experiences I’d spent years wishing away looked different, and it wasn’t because they were suddenly good, because I deserved them, or because I believe every painful thing happens for some predetermined reason. It’s simply because things can happen to us, and we can still decide what happens because of them.

Maybe that’s what it means for something to happen “for me.” The bad thing wasn’t a gift… I just refuse to let what happened be wasted.

Here’s to all of the things that have happened for us and all of the ways we’ve used those rough moments to our advantage simply because we freaking can.

PART I: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
• What happened?
• If I stripped away every interpretation and told only the facts, what happened?
• What did I understand about the situation at the time?
• What did I not understand yet?
• What was outside of my control?
• What choices, if any, were within my control?
• What did I lose because of this experience?
• What did this experience cost me emotionally?
• What did it cost me practically?
• What did I need during this experience that I didn’t receive?
• Who failed to show up for me?
• Who did show up for me?
• What emotions did I experience but never fully process?
• What did I wish someone had said to me?
• What did I wish someone had done for me?
• What part of this experience still hurts?
• What feels unfair about what happened?
• What am I still waiting for someone else to make right?

PART II: WHAT DID I MAKE IT MEAN?
• What did I decide about myself because of what happened?
• What did I decide about other people?
• What did I decide about love, trust and safety?
• What did I decide about success and failure?
• What did I decide about money?
• What did I decide about my body or my worth?
• What did I decide I had to do to be accepted?
• What did I decide I had to prove?
• What behaviors helped me survive then?
• Which of those behaviors followed me into adulthood?
• Which ones are still protecting me?
• Which ones are now limiting me?
• What belief from this experience have I mistaken for a fact?

PART III: CHALLENGE THE STORY
• Was the meaning I assigned to this experience actually true?
• What else could this experience mean?
• What did I blame myself for that wasn’t actually mine to carry?
• What responsibility was mine?
• What would I tell someone I loved if the exact same thing happened to them?
• Why have I struggled to extend that same interpretation to myself?
• What parts of my story have I been telling from the perspective of the person who hurt me rather than my own?
• What labels did other people give me that I no longer accept?
• What would change if I stopped allowing this event to define who I am?

PART IV: WHAT DID THIS CREATE IN ME?
• What did I learn about myself because of this experience?
• What did I learn about other people?
• What did I learn about what I value?
• What did I learn about what I will or won’t tolerate?
• What boundaries exist today because of what happened?
• What standards exist today because of what happened?
• What strengths did I develop?
• What skills did I develop?
• What instincts did I develop?
• Did this experience make me more willing to question things?
• What can I handle now that an earlier version of me couldn’t?
• What do I know now because I lived through this rather than merely hearing about it?

PART V: FOLLOW THE DOMINOES
• What happened immediately afterward?
• What decision did I make because of what happened?
• What happened because of that decision? And what happened because of that?
• What people entered my life because my path changed?
• What people left my life because my path changed?
• What opportunities appeared because my direction changed?
• What places did I go that I otherwise wouldn’t have gone?
• What interests did I discover?
• What work did I pursue?
• What relationships were affected?
• What risks did I eventually take?
• What seemingly unrelated parts of my current life can actually be traced back to this event?
• Which parts of my current life (that happened because of this event) am I deeply grateful exist?

PART VI: WHAT DID I GAIN?
• What self-knowledge came from this experience?
• What opportunities came from it?
• What dreams came from it?
• What parts of myself did I discover because of it?
• What did this experience force me to confront?
• What did it eventually force me to change?
• What did I stop accepting because of what happened?
• What did I start fighting for?
• What did I start believing was possible?
• What became important to me afterward?
• Who have I been able to help because I understand this kind of pain firsthand?

PART VII: FROM “TO ME” TO “FOR ME”
• What if I can hate what happened and still value who I became afterward?
• What if the gift wasn’t the experience itself, but what I chose to do with it?
• What did I create from something I never would have chosen?
• What would reclaiming ownership of that part of my story look like?
• What can I choose now that I couldn’t choose then?
• What can I give myself now that I didn’t receive then?
• What can I stop waiting for someone else to give me?
• What do I get to decide it means now?

PART VIII: REWRITE THE CHAPTER
• Finish the sentence: “For years, I believed this experience meant…”
• “Now I understand…”
• “What happened to me was…”
• “What I did with what happened was…”
• “I wish I never had to experience…”
• “But because I did, I now know…”
• “It taught me…”
• “It led me to…”
• “It made me unwilling to…”
• “It made me determined to…”
• “It helped me discover…”
• “I give myself credit for…”
• “The version of me who experienced this would be amazed that today I…”
• “I don’t need to be grateful that it happened. I can be grateful that I…”
• “This happened to me. What happened next happened because I…”
• “Today, I choose to make this part of my story mean…”

See you,
Amy