How To Stop Living For Approval & Start Living For Yourself
Until today, I didn’t realize that I was living in my own courtroom. Before sharing an idea, starting a business, applying for a job, leaving a relationship, wearing an outfit… I have subconsciously consulted my own mental jury. And not just any jury, but a series of narcissistic bosses I’ve had, toxic relationships I’ve endured, and even a few of the bullies I faced as a child.
There I stand alone, but I’m waiting for a verdict. Will I finally be enough? Have I earned their approval?
It’s one thing to want approval from my peers. It’s another to want approval from people who were never qualified to decide my worth in the first place.
I know I’m not alone.
Maybe it was a teacher, a boss, an ex, a ‘friend,’ a parent. You’ve spent years trying to earn their approval, and overtime their opinions and snide comments become internalized until their voices sound like your own.
So if you’ve been asking yourself whether or not you’re good enough; if you consistently wonder what other people will think, or if you are scared of what will happen if they don’t approve of your choices… you might still be letting someone else hold the gavel.
Below are a series of journal prompts designed to help you identify your jury, challenge their authority, and reclaim your own voice. It’s time to take back that gavel, and dismiss the jury.
Part I: Identify Your Jury
For each person that comes to mind, answer the following:
• Who are they?
• What role did they play in your life?
• What did you desperately want from them?
• What did you rarely receive from them?
• How did I feel around them most often?
• What did I learn I needed to do to earn their approval?
• What part of myself became smaller around them?
• What part of myself became louder around them?
• What am I still trying to prove to them today?
Part II: Expose Their Influence
For each person that comes to mind, answer the following:
• What criticism from them still echoes in my head?
• When do I hear their voice most clearly?
• What decisions do I still make to avoid their judgment?
• What dreams have I delayed because of what they might think?
• What would happen if they never approved?
• What evidence do I have that their opinion is not objective truth?
• Were they qualified to determine my worth?
Part III: Reclaim Yourself
For each person that comes to mind, answer the following:
• What qualities do I possess that they failed to see?
• What strengths survived despite their criticism?
• What do I admire about myself today that they couldn’t appreciate?
• What do I know about myself now that I didn’t know then?
Part IV: Challenge The Verdict
For each person that comes to mind, answer the following:
• What verdict have I spent years trying to overturn?
• What am I hoping they’ll finally say?
• If they said it tomororow, what would actually change?
• Would I suddenly become worthy or have I always been worthy?
• The verdict they gave me was…
• The truth I choose to believe is…
Part V: Remove Them From The Courtroom
Imagine you’re the judge now.
For each person that comes to mind, answer the following:
• Why is this person serving on my jury?
• What qualifications do they have?
• Have they demonstrated wisdom?
• Have they demonstrated fairness?
• Have they demonstrated emotional maturity?
• Have they demonstrated life skills I want to emulate?
• Would I seek their advice today?
• If no, why am I seeking their approval?
• I release (name) from deciding my worth.
Write this for every single juror.
Part VI: Build A New Jury
We can’t just remove the voices, we have to replace them with healthy ones.
• Who do I respect deeply?
• Who makes me feel more like myself?
• Who sees my strengths clearly?
• Who challenges me without diminishing me?
• Who would be proud of me for simply trying?
• What would that person say about me today?
• What would they tell me to stop apologizing for?
• What would they encourage me to pursue?
How do you feel?!
See you,
Amy