Have Your High Standards Become Impossible Standards?

Today I was dreaming about what life would look like if I landed my dream remote position. I imagined working out in the shop office, with a nanny watching the kids in the house during the day. I even went as far as writing up a long list of duties she or he would have, and they all seemed very reasonable: get them dressed, spend time outside, play with them, prepare them meals and snacks, read them books, handle naps, do their laundry, wash their dishes, clean up and rotate toys.

Then I compared that list to what I expect of myself, and suddenly I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been holding myself to a standard I would never expect of anyone. And I think this is a big part of why being a full-time mom is so hard.

It’s not just about comparing ourselves to others, it’s feeling worthless without making money. Suddenly we find ourselves in a position where we aren’t making money, and we value ourselves and what we do less… yet, if we were to be hired as the nanny next door, we would feel completely different.

So here we are with our high standards that we hold for ourselves, sitting next to the standards our husbands may also hold for us. And the problem isn’t having standards, but when the standards become impossible.

The Positions I’m Currently Trying To Hold

As I closely examined my life today, I realized I wasn’t expecting myself to do just one job… but more like four… on top of being a wife and a human being with my own personal needs.

• Nanny (Full-Time Mom): feeding two young children, reading to them, keeping them safe, getting them outside daily, teaching them things, managing their (and my own) emotions, planning activities, cleaning and rotating toys, donating things when they no longer fit or aren’t played with, potty training, etc.

• Cleaning Lady (Household Manager): laundry, dishes, cleaning, organization, meal plans and prep, grocery lists, etc.

• Project Manager: home improvement projects, deep cleaning spaces, replacing and ordering filters (water, air, coffee), listing items on marketplace, paintings for the kids rooms, managing eBay sales, etc.

• Business Owner: blog posts, weekly newsletters, social media posts, creating digital downloads, building new journals, planning future projects.

• Wife: maintaining a healthy marriage, being emotionally available, creating connection, making time for just us, etc.

• Human Being: exercising, pelvic floor therapy, working on my health, managing Hashimotos, building friendships, pursuing personal growth.

Writing all of this down made it incredibly obvious. I’m expecting myself – one person – to successfully perform the responsibilities of several people, and then I wonder why I’m so overwhelmed.

The Hidden Cost Of Impossible Standards

The problem with impossible standards is not failure. I’m going to repeat that one: the problem with impossible standards is not failure. It’s that you feel like you’re failing constantly.

No matter how much you accomplish, your brain focuses on what you didn’t. You go to bed every night convinced that you haven’t done enough, and over time that creates chronic guilt, anxiety, burnout, resentment, and loss of self-worth.

The thing is, I wasn’t failing. I was measuring myself against an unrealistic standard.

The Documentation Exercise That Changed Everything

There I was writing down that nanny task list, only to find myself also writing down a task list for a cleaning lady and project manager, and suddenly I’m no longer asking myself, how much are you getting done? I’m not asking, what are you actually carrying?

And once again I’m reminded that documenting your life – actually writing things down – isn’t just about preserving memories. It’s so so so much more valuable. Writing things down can reveal reality when your brain simply can’t.

So, I’m going to challenge you to take the time today or tomorrow and write down what you’re doing. Every task, every interruption, every responsibility, along with every invisible thing you are carrying. Then, make a list of all of the things in your head that you believe should have gotten done.

If you hired someone to do everything you did today, what would you have expected from them? Would you be disappointed in them? Would you be impressed?

Maybe you’re not failing like you think you are.

One of the greatest things about documentation is that it can offer you evidence: evidence that you are contributing, trying, and carrying far more than you give yourself credit for. So, before you decide that you’re not enough, please, please write it down.

You may just discover that the standard needs more adjusting than you do.

See you,
Amy