7 Signs You’re Giving Your Power Away (Without Realizing It)
You see that 20-something girl up there? She was incredibly good at giving her power away and had no idea it was happening. She leaned a little too hard into a toxic relationship, slipped and fell right on her face. And I’d love to tell you that the first time she gave her power away was her last… but that would be a bold faced lie. Sadly, I’m pretty sure this is something that happens over and over again, and I think that’s a big reason why people lose themselves (and find themselves) over and over again throughout their lives. I also think its a big reason why people THRIVE after big breakups. You may have lost a limb, but you’re forced to trust yourself again.
There was a time when I believed that giving my power away was something super dramatic and very obvious. I’d seen it before, with a controlling boss, a toxic relationship, or watching someone make every decision for someone else. But now that I’m older, I’ve realized it doesn’t always happen that way.
Giving your power away is often quiet, and even slow. It’s the one criticism you let slip in, the one dream you stop talking about, or the opinion that begins to carry more weight than your own. And before you realize it, you’ve stop trusting yourself. You’ve made someone else the authority of your life. And the most dangerous part? Often times, we don’t know it’s happened. Some will never know.
You’d be surprised to learn that giving your power away has nothing to do with influence, taking advice, or learning from others. All of these things are actually healthy, and it’s important to be both self aware enough and to have others you trust enough to grow in those ways. So, what does it actually mean to give away your power?
It’s when someone else’s opinion becomes more important than your own experience, when you look to others for permission before making decisions, or when your self worth becomes dependent on the approval of others. You stop trusting yourself. And ultimately, it’s when you are no longer the leading lady in the film. You become the supporting role in your own movie. (Ouch!)
Here are 7 signs you may be giving your power away, and you might just have no idea that you’re actually doing this… I certainly didn’t.
1. You Need Permission To Move Forward
You know what you want, but instead of just going for it, you need someone else to agree. You ask, explain, and justify not because you’re seeking wisdom, but because deep down you need approval.
2. One Critical Comment Can Derail You
Someone says something negative about your body, your career, your dreams, your personality, or how you’re parenting and instead of considering the feedback objectively, you immediately take it as truth. Instead of thinking, this person has an opinion, you tell yourself, this person has a verdict. I don’t care if it’s your mom, your husband, or your child. You are the only one who is living your life.
3. You Trust Other People’s Opinions More Than Your Own
You know what happened and how you felt in the moment, yet somehow someone else’s interpretation feels more valid than your own.
4. You Constantly Feel The Need To Explain Yourself
You feel responsible for making everyone understand you. Every choice, every decision, every boundary has you spending so much energy defending your life that you have pretty much stopped actually living it.
5. You Change Direction Based On Other People’s Doubts
You have a dream you’re excited about, but the second that someone questions it, suddenly you’re questioning it too. The confidence they have in themselves is suddenly overpowering the confidence you have in your new dream.
6. You Let Other People Define Your Identity
Someone calls you lazy, too much, not enough, selfish, unrealistic or difficult and instead of asking whether it’s true, you automatically wear the label. Over time, their opinions become your identity.
7. You No Longer Trust Yourself
This feels like the final stage to me. You start to second guess everything. Every decision feels overwhelming. You have completely forgotten how to hear your own voice, so you’re consistently asking for the voice of those around you.
I need to be clear here, because I think this is where so many of us get confused. It’s healthy to seek feedback, to learn from others and to change your ways because of people around you, but there is a difference between those who are of influence and those who control you.
Ultimately, you can value someone’s opinion without making them the authority of your life. Don’t let them add rocks to your already heavy backpack! You truly have control over whether or not you’re willing to accept them.
Ready to take your power back? Part II: 10 Steps To Start Taking Back Your Power.
See you,
Amy