5 Reasons To Be With A Loved One At The End
Yesterday my grandma passed away, and I was almost there to witness it. In the days prior, I sat with her, holding her hand, whispering memories, and telling her how much I love her. I sat at the foot of her bed journaling, anxious but proud of how calm I was. Occasionally, she would stop breathing, and I would hold my breath. You might think the past 15 months of her slowly declining would have prepared me for letting go, but there is no preparing you for losing someone who’s loved you unconditionally your entire life.
Being there was both the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and the easiest decision I’ve ever made. In choosing to be by her side, I inadvertently had one of the most meaningful experiences of my entire life.
This post is not for everyone. There is no moral superiority in being with someone in passing, some people truly can’t handle it. This post is for anyone who considers stepping up to the plate, but hesitates.
This is 5 reasons to be with someone at the very end.
1. Presence Is The Final Gift
As I sat there, I realized how easy it would’ve been for me to talk myself into staying home. I couldn’t do anything to change what was coming. All I could do was wait, and waiting for someone you love to die is so deeply uncomfortable. The ending is inevitable, and obviously it hurts. So, why would anyone in their right mind walk into that?
Your presence in this moment is all you can offer, and it often means more than you could possibly know. In this world of constant distraction, sitting by someone at a time like this is radical love. It’s the ultimate, “I am here.”
2. They Might Just Know You’re There
I was talking, unsure if she could hear me and unsure if she even remembered me. I talked about the cardboard boxes she used to give my cousin and I when we were kids, so we could roll down the hill behind her house in them. I laughed about the yard sale I’d created on the back lawn along the highway in town because I so badly wanted to be involved with the ones she’d held with my mom. I even brought up the daily cookie bribery she had to get us kids to come visit her each day next door, and how my youngest brother never missed a single day.
It wasn’t easy, but I know studies have shown that people in a coma can often hear you. I also know that, as our bodies decline, hearing is one of the last senses to go. And to top it all off, even if their memory is gone, familiar voices regulate the nervous system. Love doesn’t require cognitive clarity. I didn’t need to be remembered to matter, and neither do you.
3. Memory Is Not A Single Snapshot
I’d be lying to you if I said it wasn’t incredibly difficult seeing her lie there like that; to hold her hand and feel only the slightest tug back. It was excruciating. I used to believe that seeing someone this way would overshadow all of the memories before it. It didn’t.
We are incredibly lucky that our minds hold entire timelines. I can still hear her laughing as she held my son for the first time, I can still see her covered in a crazy amount of dirt from a long four-wheeling trip, and I can still smell her soap. I have decades of memories that one difficult image simply cannot erase. Life is not summarized by it’s final frame.
4. Love Doesn’t Expire
Love is not erased by dementia, distance, time apart, or complicated family drama. Grandma loves me and I love her, and sometimes it really is as simple as that. Of course, knowing that doesn’t keep me from grabbing consistent reminders of her love across Facebook Messenger and on old birthday cards. — Thank you Grandma.
5. One Day It Will Be You
Sitting there, I couldn’t help but think about how I’d want to leave this world someday. I’d want something steady, something familiar. She had that in my aunt, but I also wanted her to have a little of that from me. Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to have someone there by my side like that too.
All this to say, if you’re hesitating, please go. You can’t change the ending, but you might just change yourself.
See you,
Amy